5 Love Languages - Receiving Gifts - Lesson 4

                  5 Love Languages - Receiving Gifts
                 

 Let's take a look at the giving and receiving of gifts and hopefully it will be a fresh take on the subject which is so much more than bringing flowers home (although it does include that)

        A little history of giving from the book "Gratitude, An Intellectual History" by Peter Leithart as commented on by John Ortberg states that Jesus had the greatest impact on giving in the history of the world. In the ancient world, gifts were not free. Gifts placed the receiver under obligation to reciprocate so it was always better to give a bigger gift so the other person would be under obligation.

 We see this in a few accounts in the Old Testament

²¹ The king of Sodom said to Abram, “Give me the people and keep the goods for yourself.”
²² But Abram said to the king of Sodom, “With raised hand I have sworn an oath to the Lord, God Most High, Creator of heaven and earth, ²³ that I will accept nothing belonging to you, not even a thread or the strap of a sandal, so that you will never be able to say, ‘I made Abram rich.’ Gen.14:21-23

Ephron the Hittite was sitting among his people and he replied to Abraham in the hearing of all the Hittites who had come to the gate of his city. ¹¹ “No, my lord,” he said. “Listen to me; I give you the field, and I give you the cave that is in it. I give it to you in the presence of my people. Bury your dead.”
¹² Again Abraham bowed down before the people of the land ¹³ and he said to Ephron in their hearing, “Listen to me, if you will. I will pay the price of the field. Accept it from me so I can bury my dead there.” Gen 23:10-13

King Solomon gave the queen of Sheba all she desired and asked for; he gave her more than she had brought to him. Then she left and returned with her retinue to her own country. 2 Chron. 9:12  

In the New Testament, Jesus comes into the Roman empire which was run by the same principles. People that were rich would give gifts so that people would owe a debt of gratitude to their patrons or benefactors which would earn the giver more honor and power. Giving became a strategy to enrich yourself to get even more. Even their religion or worship of gods would be giving gifts so they would earn favor or reciprocity. This whole system was the antithesis of God's system which was God giving freely (John 3:16) and God is so much bigger than this system. Paul says in Rom. 11:35, "Who has ever given to God that God should repay him?" That's why we see the following verses and so many more;

  ...your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. ⁴⁶ If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? ⁴⁷ And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?  “Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.
² “So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. ³ But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, ⁴ so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. Matt 5:45-6:4

Why did he say announce it with trumpets? Because they literally did that back then. A benefactor or patron would have an indebted entourage announcing his presence to appear more important sort of like this clip from Knights Tale

 

 A dispute also arose among them as to which of them was considered to be greatest. ²⁵ Jesus said to them, “The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who exercise authority over them call themselves Benefactors. ²⁶ But you are not to be like that. Instead, the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves.Then Jesus said to his host, “When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or sisters, your relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. ¹³ But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, ¹⁴ and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.” Luke 22,14

 

James says that God is our patron and benefactor, not men therefore we should not give deference to the rich and as Paul would say in Romans 13:8, "owe no man anything" and as Jesus would say in Matt. 23:9 that we are to call no man our "father" or our patron except God.

 

^" Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. My brothers and sisters, believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ must not show favoritism. ² Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in filthy old clothes also comes in. ³ If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, “Here’s a good seat for you,” but say to the poor man, “You stand there” or “Sit on the floor by my feet,” ⁴ have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts? James 1,2

 

Needless to say, the Romans hated this new philosophy and saw the Christians as ingrates, ungrateful for the gifts they had been given to the extent that they wouldn't give the rich in power even fake worship.

 

With that history in mind, we come to this third love language of receiving gifts and we see that as Christians, this should be part of our agape love - giving without expecting in return. This is difficult especially if this is our love language because we tend to show our love in our language. A spouse with this love language would be giving gifts to their spouse and the reciprocation might be a word of affirmation which is that spouse's language which would be totally unsatisfying. We need to be very cognizant of the need of our spouses to be spoken to in their languages rather than ours.

 

Lets look first of all at what is going on behind the scenes of this seemingly materialistic love language. A gift is a symbol that your spouse has been thinking of you during the day because a gift takes time, effort, thinking about your spouse's likes and dislikes and you have honored them in that way. Maybe, especially you guys, you are amazed and frustrated that your wife wants you and expects you to know her schedule and sometimes even the kids' schedule when she doesn't know yours and you are having a hard enough time with your own schedule! What is that about?? It is this love language coming out. She wants to know that you are thinking about her during your day which if you do is an intangible, unwrapped gift.By the way, if you pray with your spouse in the A.M chances are that they will reveal to you their whole daily schedule in their prayer.

 Maybe, like me, you have brought her home a rose and her first question is "Where did you get that?" You expect her to give you praise and adulation for your thoughtfulness but she wants to know how much effort was put into it, if you happened to see it when you went to get gas, etc. In other words were you really thinking of her or was it accidental. If you were really thinking of her, are roses her favorite flower? Do you know all about her like this following clip from Madagascar 2

 

 

I hear from a lot of guys that they don't buy their wives clothes because they always get it wrong. So what. Save the receipts and take them back. Buying clothes shows them you know their size. Do you know your wife's shoe size? It shows you were thinking of them enough to go into a store where you were the only male. Then wrap it nicely too, don't just throw it into a gift bag because that shows they are worth the extra effort. Gift cards take no thought or effort - just saying.

 

Here are some ideas of how to express this love language.

1. Keep a list of things your spouse is excited about when they see a commercial or see it at someone else's house or store or newspaper ad

2. Drop a small gift, note, snack, coffee at work occasionally

3. Sneak a love note under the pillow, in the refrigerator, in their car, on their desk ...

4. Make or bring home their favorite meal

5. Create a collage of photos of memorable times or make an online photobook from Facebook pictures

6. Purchase a book they want and one for you too so that you can read it and discuss it with them

7. Buy them a magazine that you think they would want

8. Make a certain day of the week their special day.

9. Celebrate weird holidays - i.e. bring some cheesecake home on national cheesecake day. If they are left handed make a big deal of left handed day. Celebrate the day of your first date etc.

 

Lastly, Gary Chapman talks about the gift of your presence. How often have you thought, "There will be a ton of people there, they won't even miss me". If that person speaks this love language, they will feel unloved. If you think "what is a day, we can celebrate their birthday tomorrow.", if they speak this love language, a day does matter! Make the effort to give the gift of your presence. The time or inconvenience to you shows a receiving gifts love language person that you love them.

 

Assignment

1. Give a tangible gift to your spouse this week. Be creative

2. Call your spouse and ask them specifics about their day

3. Leave a love note somewhere in the house where they will find it

 

         

5 Love Languages - Quality Time - Lesson 3

                                              Quality Time

                  

      Chapman begins this chapter with a story about Mark and Andrea which is a bridge between the first two love languages of words of affirmation and quality time. While Chapman was still discovering the concept of love languages he gave this couple who were at odds an assignment to make a list of 5 things that were positive traits about the other person and affirm them daily adding to the list as more positives surfaced. A month later, Mark said the marriage was going great. Andrea, however said nothing had changed - he still spends all his time at work! Chapman realized that he had assumed they both thrived on words of affirmation which was Mark's love language but not Andrea's. She thrived on quality time and Mark agreed that was what she was always complaining about but in order to reach the heights that the family needed in his career, he needed to work those hours. Mark was given the following assignment - make a list of things Andrea has mentioned to you over the years that she would like to do. After Mark did that, Chapman told him to do one a week for the next two months because what good is getting to the top of the corporate ladder if no one is there with you.
     What does quality time look like?

               
   1. Listening, and more than that, hearing. As you see in the above video, it is making eye contact, turning off electronic devices or distractions and giving focused attention to our spouse. It means not interrupting to correct, instruct, give our opinion (the average interruption is 17 seconds) but allowing the person to tell information and emote on that information. Questions like "How did that make you feel?" are good leading questions. Most often our spouse isn't looking for criticism or correction or advice (they get enough of that during the day) but rather an understanding and listening ear.

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." James 1:19
    
  2. Focused attention - a date night of watching television may seem like quality time (and for some couples may be) but when we are watching or listening to something, that has our attention rather than our spouse. Going to a restaurant with a TV over your spouses head is a deterrant to focused attention. Eating dinner with your spouse and being on your cell phone is not focused attention. Dates and quality time should be tech free.

   3. Quality activities - When you look at the Bible, who is the model of quality time? John Ortberg in his message "Love is spelled T-I-M-E" states that Jesus is the model. Mark 3:13,14 gives us some insight on why He chose disciples.

        "Jesus went up on a mountainside and called to him those he wanted, and they came to him. ¹⁴ He appointed twelve that they might be with him"

     When you look at some activities Jesus did while He was "with them" we get a list of some quality activities that we can try with our loved ones;

     A. Taking walks - Matt. 24:1 Go for a walk with your spouse after dinner every night and debrief
     B. Eating together - Matt.9:10  Go out to eat once a week without the kids
     C. Learning together - Mark 4:10  Go to a library, book store or watch a sermon together
     D. Running errands - Mark 5:23,24 Go to the grocery store together
     E. Resting - Mark 6:31 I was amazed when I told my class to go to bed at the same time and they looked at me like that was a foreign thought. Seriously?? Go to bed at the same time!!
    F. Riding in boats - Mark 4:36 Travel and vacation together. Recreate together
    G. Mountain Climbing - Mark 9:2 We live in the Smokies, that should be easy
    H. Praying - Luke 11:1  http://yourmove.is/episode/ep3-the-secret-sauce-2/  1 in 10,000 couples get divorced that pray together! Also, do you want to know why your spouse seems like s(he) is absent mentally. Usually the thing that is mentally draining them will be revealed in prayer.
    I. Going to church - Luke 4:16 Just one of a thousand reasons to go to church
    J. Going fishing - Luke 5:4 or play a sport or attend a sporting event with them. Women, if you show an interest in the latest PGA tournament, maybe your husband will watch HGTV with you. (sorry if that was sexist)

     Here is your assignment for this week
     1. Have a date night
     2. Plan a weekend without kids in the next 3 months
     3. Go to bed at the same time
     4. Spend 15 minutes each day having eye to eye conversation and don't talk about kids.

 

         

5 Love Languages - Words of Affirmation Lesson 2

     The first love language that we are going to talk about is Words of Affirmation.

           
   This is saying encouraging and affirming words intentionally to people to build them up, or in this context, to fill their love tank. Everyone needs these and as Christians we are to be encouragers to everyone, but certain people will feel unloved if they don't get a heavy dose of this while others will do fine as long as they receive love in other languages. Who needs these words more than any others? First of all, men probably more than women because men see themselves as heroes, warriors, leaders who have a need in their lives for significance. This is why wives are commanded in the Bible to honor their husbands. Watch two men affirming each other in the following funny but dated SNL video below
                     https://screen.yahoo.com/daily-affirmation-michael-jordan-000000862.html

   The other subset of people that need affirming specifically is people raised by negative parents and mentors who could never "do anything right" in their parent's eyes. If you recognize this form of parenting of your spouse be sensitive to their needs for positive feedback. If you are having problems thinking of words to say or not really understanding what we are talking about, here are some links to go to. It is funny if you read these to men they will nod and agree. If you read them to women they will in general groan as if they are getting cheesy pickup lines. (try it out if you don't believe me) Thus the gender difference in love languages.

  http://matthewljacobson.com/2013/12/02/103-words-of-affirmation-every-husbands-wants-to-hear/
https://husbandrevolution.com/102-words-affirmation-every-wife-wants-hear/
http://matthewljacobson.com/2013/11/18/450/

    Gary Chapman gives a good example on pages 38 - 40 of Dan and his wife. She wants a room painted and she keeps nagging him to do it and he keeps putting it off. Dr. Chapman suggests that she compliments him on everything else he is doing. She goes away upset but tries it and in no time the room is painted. The author isn't the first person to try that. Look at Gideon in Judges 6. The Israelites were being oppressed by the Midianites as God's punishment for their sins. The Israelites cry out to God and He sends them a deliverer by the name of Gideon who needed affirming. Look at the following passage.

¹¹ The angel of the Lord came and sat down under the oak in Ophrah that belonged to Joash the Abiezrite, where his son Gideon was threshing wheat in a winepress to keep it from the Midianites. ¹² When the angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon, he said, “The Lord is with you, mighty warrior.”
¹³ “Pardon me, my lord,” Gideon replied, “but if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our ancestors told us about when they said, ‘Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt?’ But now the Lord has abandoned us and given us into the hand of Midian.”
¹⁴ The Lord turned to him and said, “Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian’s hand. Am I not sending you?”
¹⁵ “Pardon me, my lord,” Gideon replied, “but how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.”
¹⁶ The Lord answered, “I will be with you, and you will strike down all the Midianites, leaving none alive.”

  Picture the context. Here is Gideon throwing up the wheat into the air so the chaff will be blown away and the heavier kernel falling to the ground. Unfortunately he was doing it in a winepress so as not to be seen by the Midianites who would come steal the wheat. The problem with this is that there is no wind in a winepress. The Lord didn't say, "What are you doing - that will never work" or "Be a man you coward". He addressed him as a warrior who the Lord was with and a future victor. God affirmed him for what He saw in him rather than the external actions which were inconsistent with what God knew was inside him. These words of affirmation enabled him to deliver his people with a comparative hand full of warriors with God's help.
              Peter is another example. Peter, who always puts his foot in his mouth, forbids the Lord to go to the cross, and denies Christ to a teenage girl out of fear is renamed by Christ, "The Rock", and commissioned to be a future leader of the church.
           Jehu was in a group of officers and Elisha came in and took him into a room to speak with him. Elisha anointed him king and told him the great things he would accomplish. When Jehu came back in the other room, the officers asked him what that was all about. Jehu either out of embarrassment, fear, doubt, shock or for whatever reason said "oh, you know those old crazy eccentric guys, they say all kinds of stuff you can't believe." The officers insisted Jehu tell them and when he did they saddled up for the death spree shouting "Jehu is king!" Their affirmation of what they saw in him that he didn't even see in himself led him to be probably the greatest king of the northern kingdom.
            Lest we get the impression that women don't need affirmation, Gabriel referred to Mary as a favored one whom God is with. These words enabled her to go through a blessed but extremely difficult life that came with giving birth to the Son of God.

          As I said before, encouraging isn't just for marriage. We as believers should be known for our encouraging words and seeing the best in people who are all loved by God and made in the image of God. At work, at home, at church, at our hobbies, the cashier, the waiters and waitresses, the bank tellers, everyone we come in contact with need words of affirmation and if we are an affirming person they will see a difference in us because the rest of the world is too worried about themselves to be thinking about building up strangers.

¹³ But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. Heb. 3:13

    If we look at the above verse as it pertains to marriage we get a few Biblical principles as it pertains to words of affirmation. First of all we have the word encourage which literally means to give a person courage. Our words of affirmation will give our spouses courage to face all their challenges of life head on with the boldness we need in this world that wants to beat us down; Boldness to say no to temptations, to accept rejection and failure, to witness for Christ, to handle illness, and even not to let jerks get under your skin. Secondly, we need it daily. They say it takes 100 positive words to overcome one negative so saying nice things on Birthdays, Anniversaries, Christmas, and Mother's Day isn't going to cut it. So do it every day that is called "today". Third, we see the word hardened and it makes me think of people going to marital counseling and one partner wants to go and the other one sits there hardened. They have already made up their minds that they are done - they may already have plan B in process. Daily words of affirmation can keep that from happening because lastly sin's deceitfulness tells us, "there is someone out there who will appreciate you more than your spouse."In fact the "in-love" experience through which affairs start are blind to flaws. They only see positives and thus daily words of affirmation are essentials for affair-proofing your marriage especially if this is the language your spouse speaks.

       Assignment for this week;
          1. Share  with your spouse one instance in your life where someone has said an affirming word to you and it impacted your future
          2. Say one positive thing to your spouse every day and/or text affirmation
          3. Compliment all your co-workers
          4. Say something positive to your child(ren) every night before you go to bed

      

The 5 Love Languages - Intro Lesson 1

      5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is written by a marital counselor who after doing counseling for years noticed that most marital problems stem from conflicts in meeting five basic needs in their spouses - words of affirmation, Quality time, giving gifts, acts of service, and touch. He says that although everyone needs all of these, one of them stands out as a primary need or language that is unique to that individual and if it is not being met, they will feel unloved. On pages 143 to 146 he gives a great example of people speaking different languages in a marriage

      https://books.google.com/books?id=K1fRBAAAQBAJ&pg=PT112&lpg=PT112&dq=we're+like+roommates++gary+chapman&source=bl&ots=8G1muu9cSQ&sig=jdeYQI7b-8gvK5KbzXbeEznr64M&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0CCUQ6AEwAWoVChMI95SikJfUxgIVji2ICh06mAOB#v=onepage&q=we're%20like%20roommates%20%20gary%20chapman&f=false

 

In this story Susan has a language of quality time and John has the language of acts of service and because of this they were assuming their spouse should have the same language as them and their marriage was in shambles. When we can learn what their love language is and start speaking their language, it fills their love tank and when they feel loved, they can give love back.

 

There are ways we can discover what our spouse's love language and our own. The first way is to take the love language test found at the end of the book or at this link  http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/couples/

He also gives 5 other ways to tell

1. Observe how you and your spouse most often express love to others

2. Consider what you or your spouse complain about the most often

3. Think of the requests that you make of your spouse most often or vice-versa

4. Use the process of elimination

5. Do a 5 week experiment where one week you focus exclusively on one language

 

Love shouldn't be this hard! Right?? We unfortunately get this view from romantic novels, movies, television and the "in-love" experience. What is that? Check out this video from Frozen;

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPImqZo0D74

 

 

 This is the emotionally charged, obsessional, irrational, euphoric feeling that comes when you meet someone that you feel passionately about and vice-versa. It usually has a life span of two years and then reality sets in. Those cute nuances become irritations and then the question is do you continue to stay in the relationship or find another one that gives you the goosies. Goosies is a good description because Chapman compares the in-love experience to the mating call of the Canadian Goose - it is the experience through which most marriages starts. Now there is nothing wrong with this - in fact God created us this way. If there was something wrong with this, Song of Solomon wouldn't have been included in the Bible! (See the dated and poor quality video below).

 

 When the "in-love" experience runs its' course, then real love starts. Love has been defined by Tim Kimmel as "the commitment of my will to your needs and best interests regardless of the cost."

 

This probably sounds very sterile and unromantic but actually it does not get rid of emotion but unites emotion with reason and meets our deepest needs for love where someone sees us with all our flaws and imperfections and chooses to love us despite that. This is our deepest need which God chose to meet by sending His Son while we were yet sinners. The Bible calls this Agape love.

 

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. ⁷ Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. ⁸ But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. ¹⁰ This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. ¹¹ Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ¹² No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.  Rom 5:6-8, 1John 4:9-12

 

If we can learn to find and meet the deep emotional needs for love and discover the mysteries of who our spouse really is, it is a new kind of love, not focused on getting our own needs met but rather fulfilling the definition of love "the commitment of my will to your needs and best interests regardless of the cost" which will ignite a passion we have never experienced before as we experience the love that God designed us for. Imagine a relationship where you each are saying or texting daily how wonderful they are. Imagine sitting with each other looking at your spouse with electronics put away and hearing how their day truly went or praying with each other. Picture your spouse stopping by the office and bringing you your favorite snack or bringing home some flowers for your wife on a regular basis. How about you get home to find your spouse has cooked your favorite meal or your car has been washed and vacuumed. Or how about your spouse holds your hand as you walk into the grocery store or can't get close enough to you on the couch as you watch on TV what they want to watch. This sounds like "in-love" to me, yet it is intentional, rational, calculated but still filled with emotions that give you a great marriage.