5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is written by a marital counselor who after doing counseling for years noticed that most marital problems stem from conflicts in meeting five basic needs in their spouses - words of affirmation, Quality time, giving gifts, acts of service, and touch. He says that although everyone needs all of these, one of them stands out as a primary need or language that is unique to that individual and if it is not being met, they will feel unloved. On pages 143 to 146 he gives a great example of people speaking different languages in a marriage
https://books.google.com/books?id=K1fRBAAAQBAJ&pg=PT112&lpg=PT112&dq=we're+like+roommates++gary+chapman&source=bl&ots=8G1muu9cSQ&sig=jdeYQI7b-8gvK5KbzXbeEznr64M&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0CCUQ6AEwAWoVChMI95SikJfUxgIVji2ICh06mAOB#v=onepage&q=we're%20like%20roommates%20%20gary%20chapman&f=false
In this story Susan has a language of quality time and John has the language of acts of service and because of this they were assuming their spouse should have the same language as them and their marriage was in shambles. When we can learn what their love language is and start speaking their language, it fills their love tank and when they feel loved, they can give love back.
There are ways we can discover what our spouse's love language and our own. The first way is to take the love language test found at the end of the book or at this link http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/couples/
He also gives 5 other ways to tell
1. Observe how you and your spouse most often express love to others
2. Consider what you or your spouse complain about the most often
3. Think of the requests that you make of your spouse most often or vice-versa
4. Use the process of elimination
5. Do a 5 week experiment where one week you focus exclusively on one language
Love shouldn't be this hard! Right?? We unfortunately get this view from romantic novels, movies, television and the "in-love" experience. What is that? Check out this video from Frozen;
This is the emotionally charged, obsessional, irrational, euphoric feeling that comes when you meet someone that you feel passionately about and vice-versa. It usually has a life span of two years and then reality sets in. Those cute nuances become irritations and then the question is do you continue to stay in the relationship or find another one that gives you the goosies. Goosies is a good description because Chapman compares the in-love experience to the mating call of the Canadian Goose - it is the experience through which most marriages starts. Now there is nothing wrong with this - in fact God created us this way. If there was something wrong with this, Song of Solomon wouldn't have been included in the Bible! (See the dated and poor quality video below).
When the "in-love" experience runs its' course, then real love starts. Love has been defined by Tim Kimmel as "the commitment of my will to your needs and best interests regardless of the cost."
This probably sounds very sterile and unromantic but actually it does not get rid of emotion but unites emotion with reason and meets our deepest needs for love where someone sees us with all our flaws and imperfections and chooses to love us despite that. This is our deepest need which God chose to meet by sending His Son while we were yet sinners. The Bible calls this Agape love.
You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. Rom 5:6-8, 1John 4:9-12
If we can learn to find and meet the deep emotional needs for love and discover the mysteries of who our spouse really is, it is a new kind of love, not focused on getting our own needs met but rather fulfilling the definition of love "the commitment of my will to your needs and best interests regardless of the cost" which will ignite a passion we have never experienced before as we experience the love that God designed us for. Imagine a relationship where you each are saying or texting daily how wonderful they are. Imagine sitting with each other looking at your spouse with electronics put away and hearing how their day truly went or praying with each other. Picture your spouse stopping by the office and bringing you your favorite snack or bringing home some flowers for your wife on a regular basis. How about you get home to find your spouse has cooked your favorite meal or your car has been washed and vacuumed. Or how about your spouse holds your hand as you walk into the grocery store or can't get close enough to you on the couch as you watch on TV what they want to watch. This sounds like "in-love" to me, yet it is intentional, rational, calculated but still filled with emotions that give you a great marriage.
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