Quality Time
Chapman begins this chapter with a story about Mark and Andrea which is a bridge between the first two love languages of words of affirmation and quality time. While Chapman was still discovering the concept of love languages he gave this couple who were at odds an assignment to make a list of 5 things that were positive traits about the other person and affirm them daily adding to the list as more positives surfaced. A month later, Mark said the marriage was going great. Andrea, however said nothing had changed - he still spends all his time at work! Chapman realized that he had assumed they both thrived on words of affirmation which was Mark's love language but not Andrea's. She thrived on quality time and Mark agreed that was what she was always complaining about but in order to reach the heights that the family needed in his career, he needed to work those hours. Mark was given the following assignment - make a list of things Andrea has mentioned to you over the years that she would like to do. After Mark did that, Chapman told him to do one a week for the next two months because what good is getting to the top of the corporate ladder if no one is there with you.
What does quality time look like?
1. Listening, and more than that, hearing. As you see in the above video, it is making eye contact, turning off electronic devices or distractions and giving focused attention to our spouse. It means not interrupting to correct, instruct, give our opinion (the average interruption is 17 seconds) but allowing the person to tell information and emote on that information. Questions like "How did that make you feel?" are good leading questions. Most often our spouse isn't looking for criticism or correction or advice (they get enough of that during the day) but rather an understanding and listening ear.
"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." James 1:19
2. Focused attention - a date night of watching television may seem like quality time (and for some couples may be) but when we are watching or listening to something, that has our attention rather than our spouse. Going to a restaurant with a TV over your spouses head is a deterrant to focused attention. Eating dinner with your spouse and being on your cell phone is not focused attention. Dates and quality time should be tech free.
3. Quality activities - When you look at the Bible, who is the model of quality time? John Ortberg in his message "Love is spelled T-I-M-E" states that Jesus is the model. Mark 3:13,14 gives us some insight on why He chose disciples.
"Jesus went up on a mountainside and called to him those he wanted, and they came to him. 14 He appointed twelve that they might be with him"
When you look at some activities Jesus did while He was "with them" we get a list of some quality activities that we can try with our loved ones;
A. Taking walks - Matt. 24:1 Go for a walk with your spouse after dinner every night and debrief
B. Eating together - Matt.9:10 Go out to eat once a week without the kids
C. Learning together - Mark 4:10 Go to a library, book store or watch a sermon together
D. Running errands - Mark 5:23,24 Go to the grocery store together
E. Resting - Mark 6:31 I was amazed when I told my class to go to bed at the same time and they looked at me like that was a foreign thought. Seriously?? Go to bed at the same time!!
F. Riding in boats - Mark 4:36 Travel and vacation together. Recreate together
G. Mountain Climbing - Mark 9:2 We live in the Smokies, that should be easy
H. Praying - Luke 11:1 http://yourmove.is/episode/ep3-the-secret-sauce-2/ 1 in 10,000 couples get divorced that pray together! Also, do you want to know why your spouse seems like s(he) is absent mentally. Usually the thing that is mentally draining them will be revealed in prayer.
I. Going to church - Luke 4:16 Just one of a thousand reasons to go to church
J. Going fishing - Luke 5:4 or play a sport or attend a sporting event with them. Women, if you show an interest in the latest PGA tournament, maybe your husband will watch HGTV with you. (sorry if that was sexist)
Here is your assignment for this week
1. Have a date night
2. Plan a weekend without kids in the next 3 months
3. Go to bed at the same time
4. Spend 15 minutes each day having eye to eye conversation and don't talk about kids.
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