5 Love Languages - Receiving Gifts - Lesson 4

                  5 Love Languages - Receiving Gifts
                 

 Let's take a look at the giving and receiving of gifts and hopefully it will be a fresh take on the subject which is so much more than bringing flowers home (although it does include that)

        A little history of giving from the book "Gratitude, An Intellectual History" by Peter Leithart as commented on by John Ortberg states that Jesus had the greatest impact on giving in the history of the world. In the ancient world, gifts were not free. Gifts placed the receiver under obligation to reciprocate so it was always better to give a bigger gift so the other person would be under obligation.

 We see this in a few accounts in the Old Testament

²¹ The king of Sodom said to Abram, “Give me the people and keep the goods for yourself.”
²² But Abram said to the king of Sodom, “With raised hand I have sworn an oath to the Lord, God Most High, Creator of heaven and earth, ²³ that I will accept nothing belonging to you, not even a thread or the strap of a sandal, so that you will never be able to say, ‘I made Abram rich.’ Gen.14:21-23

Ephron the Hittite was sitting among his people and he replied to Abraham in the hearing of all the Hittites who had come to the gate of his city. ¹¹ “No, my lord,” he said. “Listen to me; I give you the field, and I give you the cave that is in it. I give it to you in the presence of my people. Bury your dead.”
¹² Again Abraham bowed down before the people of the land ¹³ and he said to Ephron in their hearing, “Listen to me, if you will. I will pay the price of the field. Accept it from me so I can bury my dead there.” Gen 23:10-13

King Solomon gave the queen of Sheba all she desired and asked for; he gave her more than she had brought to him. Then she left and returned with her retinue to her own country. 2 Chron. 9:12  

In the New Testament, Jesus comes into the Roman empire which was run by the same principles. People that were rich would give gifts so that people would owe a debt of gratitude to their patrons or benefactors which would earn the giver more honor and power. Giving became a strategy to enrich yourself to get even more. Even their religion or worship of gods would be giving gifts so they would earn favor or reciprocity. This whole system was the antithesis of God's system which was God giving freely (John 3:16) and God is so much bigger than this system. Paul says in Rom. 11:35, "Who has ever given to God that God should repay him?" That's why we see the following verses and so many more;

  ...your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. ⁴⁶ If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? ⁴⁷ And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?  “Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.
² “So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. ³ But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, ⁴ so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. Matt 5:45-6:4

Why did he say announce it with trumpets? Because they literally did that back then. A benefactor or patron would have an indebted entourage announcing his presence to appear more important sort of like this clip from Knights Tale

 

 A dispute also arose among them as to which of them was considered to be greatest. ²⁵ Jesus said to them, “The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who exercise authority over them call themselves Benefactors. ²⁶ But you are not to be like that. Instead, the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves.Then Jesus said to his host, “When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or sisters, your relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. ¹³ But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, ¹⁴ and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.” Luke 22,14

 

James says that God is our patron and benefactor, not men therefore we should not give deference to the rich and as Paul would say in Romans 13:8, "owe no man anything" and as Jesus would say in Matt. 23:9 that we are to call no man our "father" or our patron except God.

 

^" Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. My brothers and sisters, believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ must not show favoritism. ² Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in filthy old clothes also comes in. ³ If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, “Here’s a good seat for you,” but say to the poor man, “You stand there” or “Sit on the floor by my feet,” ⁴ have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts? James 1,2

 

Needless to say, the Romans hated this new philosophy and saw the Christians as ingrates, ungrateful for the gifts they had been given to the extent that they wouldn't give the rich in power even fake worship.

 

With that history in mind, we come to this third love language of receiving gifts and we see that as Christians, this should be part of our agape love - giving without expecting in return. This is difficult especially if this is our love language because we tend to show our love in our language. A spouse with this love language would be giving gifts to their spouse and the reciprocation might be a word of affirmation which is that spouse's language which would be totally unsatisfying. We need to be very cognizant of the need of our spouses to be spoken to in their languages rather than ours.

 

Lets look first of all at what is going on behind the scenes of this seemingly materialistic love language. A gift is a symbol that your spouse has been thinking of you during the day because a gift takes time, effort, thinking about your spouse's likes and dislikes and you have honored them in that way. Maybe, especially you guys, you are amazed and frustrated that your wife wants you and expects you to know her schedule and sometimes even the kids' schedule when she doesn't know yours and you are having a hard enough time with your own schedule! What is that about?? It is this love language coming out. She wants to know that you are thinking about her during your day which if you do is an intangible, unwrapped gift.By the way, if you pray with your spouse in the A.M chances are that they will reveal to you their whole daily schedule in their prayer.

 Maybe, like me, you have brought her home a rose and her first question is "Where did you get that?" You expect her to give you praise and adulation for your thoughtfulness but she wants to know how much effort was put into it, if you happened to see it when you went to get gas, etc. In other words were you really thinking of her or was it accidental. If you were really thinking of her, are roses her favorite flower? Do you know all about her like this following clip from Madagascar 2

 

 

I hear from a lot of guys that they don't buy their wives clothes because they always get it wrong. So what. Save the receipts and take them back. Buying clothes shows them you know their size. Do you know your wife's shoe size? It shows you were thinking of them enough to go into a store where you were the only male. Then wrap it nicely too, don't just throw it into a gift bag because that shows they are worth the extra effort. Gift cards take no thought or effort - just saying.

 

Here are some ideas of how to express this love language.

1. Keep a list of things your spouse is excited about when they see a commercial or see it at someone else's house or store or newspaper ad

2. Drop a small gift, note, snack, coffee at work occasionally

3. Sneak a love note under the pillow, in the refrigerator, in their car, on their desk ...

4. Make or bring home their favorite meal

5. Create a collage of photos of memorable times or make an online photobook from Facebook pictures

6. Purchase a book they want and one for you too so that you can read it and discuss it with them

7. Buy them a magazine that you think they would want

8. Make a certain day of the week their special day.

9. Celebrate weird holidays - i.e. bring some cheesecake home on national cheesecake day. If they are left handed make a big deal of left handed day. Celebrate the day of your first date etc.

 

Lastly, Gary Chapman talks about the gift of your presence. How often have you thought, "There will be a ton of people there, they won't even miss me". If that person speaks this love language, they will feel unloved. If you think "what is a day, we can celebrate their birthday tomorrow.", if they speak this love language, a day does matter! Make the effort to give the gift of your presence. The time or inconvenience to you shows a receiving gifts love language person that you love them.

 

Assignment

1. Give a tangible gift to your spouse this week. Be creative

2. Call your spouse and ask them specifics about their day

3. Leave a love note somewhere in the house where they will find it